


can't drown my demons

by plinys



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015)
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-12-19
Updated: 2015-12-19
Packaged: 2018-05-07 17:55:46
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,026
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5465624
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/plinys/pseuds/plinys
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>His eyes take in the wreckage of the control room. There at the center of it all is his son. Dark hair wild about his face, hands clenched into tiny fists, cheeks red and wet from already shed tears.</p>
            </blockquote>





	can't drown my demons

**Author's Note:**

> For the last of my ABC fic challenge, the word was "zenith" which I like sort of didn't hit at all, but I'm counting it okay cause I wrote it with that word in mind.

 His eyes take in the wreckage of the control room.

The holoscreens cracked and shattered, parts of machinery buried in the walls, littering the floor.

And there at the center of it all is his son. Dark hair wild about his face, hands clenched into tiny fists, cheeks red and wet from already shed tears. There’s something older than his nine years hidden in those eyes, and the sight of that look chills Han when Ben finally meets his gaze.

Han knows this look, he’s seen it on Leia’s face often enough, the anger buried inside them that burns a bit too strong. It will always be there, no matter how many times they both try to push it deeper, there will be something, a small incident, which suddenly leaves the air force charged.

They had talked about it once, why Leia refused to pick up a lightsaber and join Luke in his attempts to establish a new Jedi order. That she feared she would fallow in the footsteps of the man who had given her life. That she lacked Luke’s inner calm. She was meant to be a rebel, meant to have something to fight against, she channeled her anger into the rebellion, and he loved her for that.

Though he could remember other nights, where they yelled at each other over stupid things, and her voice raising until something cracks; a holo screen or a caf mug, shattering into bits without her ever having to lift a finger.

Leia should be the one here. She was always better at the talking ever the diplomat, and better at understanding the mysterious ways of the Force than had could ever be. But she had the same anger racing through her veins, and putting the two of them together in the same room right now could only end badly.

Which was why he had been shoved in this direction with a command to, _“Go deal with of your son,”_ the second he had arrived on the planet.

A task that was easier said than done.

“Do you want to talk about it,” Han says. Even though he knows that if Ben’s anything like him, and Force he has to be a _little bit_ like him, the answer will be no.

The eye roll Han eventually gets when the kid decides to dignify him with something close to a response looks almost painful. “Mom sent you.”

“Of course she did,” Han points out. “And now I’m here so we can have a little man to man.”

“I don’t want to,” Ben insists.

“Well, nobody _likes_ talking about their feelings but-“

“No, not that.”

“Then what is it? Unlike you and your mom, I’m not a mind reader,” Han says it to try and lighten the mood, but it doesn’t do the trick, if anything it seems to make things worse. The air suddenly feels less oxygen rich than it had been moments before.

“I don’t want to go with Uncle Luke,” Ben says, his voice slowly rising in pitch. “You can’t make me. I won’t leave! I won’t! I’ll hate it there and everything will be awful – I’ll never forgive you if you make me go! Never!”

Ah, this was it then.

The reason for the mess surrounding them.  

“You know, buddy, your Uncle knows a lot about this Force stuff. He can help you control it-“

“I don’t want to control it! I don’t want anything to do with-“ He cuts himself off.

There’s a storm brewing beneath the surface there, and when Han reaches across the distance between them to pull the boy – _his son_ – towards him, it does nothing to calm that storm. Ben’s still talking, voice barely above a whisper, rambling with his face pressed Han’s coat, such that his words can barely be made out. Still the message is clear enough.

“Why can’t I go with you and Chewie? I won’t take up much space, and I’ll be a real help, you’ll see it’ll be better.” His next words are too muffled to be made out. Though his tone raises in time for Han to hear, “Much better than going and learning to be a Jedi, which I don’t even _want_ to do! Mom didn’t learn why do I have to… I don’t understand. It’s not fair!”

They’d had this discussion – Han and Leia what feels like hundreds of times – put all the pros and cons down in two lists. It wasn’t safe here, children needed stable environments to grow up in, it would help him find some control. Han had just never realized they missed the most important step of decision making, sitting down and asking Ben what he wanted, and now it was too late to go back.

So he hugs his son a little bit tighter just in case this is the last time.

It feels like it just might be. The thought, the sense of foreboding, an unwelcome one.

“You might like it there, you should at least give it a chance. I know Luke’s excited to see you again, and you mom… She really thinks you’ll like it there,” Han says, even though he’s not certain they’re the right words.

He’s not afraid to admit that he’s not good at this, there’s no instruction manual on how to be a good father, and even if there were he probably still would’ve managed to mess things up. A rebel base was no place to raise a child – and Force they had known that, but then Ben had come into their lives and things had changed, suddenly everything had changed.

“Okay, but what if I don’t?”

“Then you comm me, and I’ll come get you. If you ever want to go home, you tell me, and I’ll make it happen. No matter what happens, you’re my son, first and foremost. I’ll always take your side.”

Just like that the tension in the room seems to lesson, the air less suffocating, and Ben slowly pulls away from him. Rubbing at his eyes, with the sort of fierce determination that only a child can manage.

“Promise? No matter what?”

“No matter what.”

**Works inspired by this one:**

  * [[Podfic] can't drown my demons](https://archiveofourown.org/works/7516747) by [plinys](https://archiveofourown.org/users/plinys/pseuds/plinys), [sisi_rambles](https://archiveofourown.org/users/sisi_rambles/pseuds/sisi_rambles)




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